I would explain how I understand life, as I exist within it around other people and have my own personal experience, as being oriented around a grand goal that I can sense but can’t fully explain. I am certain that this goal is for the greater good of myself and other people, and over time I’ve come to understand that it’s practically a perpetual state of improving myself (within healthy parameters, of course) so that I can be a functional enough human being to then help those around me achieve a similar degree of health.

I see my life’s purpose as being a combination of maintenance, enjoyment, and helping — ultimately, for me to lead a fulfilling existence and not be an ego-driven bad egg, I must maintain my mental/physical health, I must enjoy the present moment (as the very existence of life itself is wonderful and interesting when uninterrupted by social/financial/etc pressures), and I must help other people do the same. Over a period of time, and through the act of daily journalling, I came to the conclusion that life would be better for everyone if the needs directed by the selfish ego were snubbed, and the needs of this trifecta became the precedent/foundation instead. For the longest time, I knew that this was my truth, but I didn’t know how to explain it, so it manifested through trial and error based on what other people told me. I listened to these people because they would frame their perspective and opinions in a way that partially resonated with this internal guiding mechanism, though it never really felt entirely in line with my core compass which merely existed as a subconscious/intuitive image rather than one with detail and actionable mechanisms.

Because this idea of what was “right” for myself and others existed very subtly, and I would equate its form to just being a blurry blob that was then clarified when trials led to positive/productive results, it was very easy for me to be subjected to manipulation. If some influential figure told me subvertively that they knew what was right for me, then I would automatically assume that they also had a similar guiding principal, and then I would follow their principles/practices assuming that it would bring me closer to being that wholly-functional source of paternal wisdom I wanted to be (but, of course, couldn’t identify completely). My gut would be frequently triggered by certain ideologies/personalities, especially those with arrogance or obvious hatred for other groups, so there had to be a lot of covert moving parts that I unconsciously picked up on for me to ignore the gut feeling telling me that they didn’t actually have said core.

So I would consistently attach my identity to this blurred blob, and it would constantly remind me through gut feelings of what was the best action to take (i.e it would influence me to set certain desires aside to get started on work, or keep up a consistent gym routine), however because I couldn’t express it in words, I sought external resources to explain it to the conscious portion of my mind. This conscious portion likely has a degree of separation from the “gut” or unconscious (partially worsened by some unhealthy relationships), so it would suffice the need to “do better” or “be productive” by listening to often-misguided self help gurus, and not trust the part of me that would say “actually, becoming a productive member of society is much simpler than doing this weird ritual that a Youtuber told you would make you stronger, and you should know this by now!”.

But through the process of finding myself in strange rabbit holes, an interesting phenomenon occurred: Instead of learning what makes me “better” or “stronger” from people online, it was as if the blurriness of the core I had held onto this whole time was starting to diminish, and the core’s details grew more apparent. I was learning how people thought you were supposed to be, and then unconsciously comparing their actions and opinions to the framework of pure productivity/responsibility/etc that had existed within me all along. And as this grew, it became easier and easier to identify why people thought the way they did, and then their core guiding mechanisms became more apparent to me as well. It never felt right to accept that lifting weights was a good idea if the person presenting such opinion’s explanation didn’t extend deeper than “because it will get you girls”. And sure I would learn here and there how to enhance certain practices that I was already performing (i.e I learned how to optimize my workouts, how to keep myself focused on the task at hand, how to meditate properly, etc), but the interesting thing is that I already knew subconsciously that doing these things would be good for me and for other people as well.

Instead of learning that these things were good, I knew that they were good since the beginning, but I had to prove to myself that the gut feeling of “yes, this is a proper way of thinking and spending your time” had validity. I was able to prove this to myself by repeating the routines I had established, and reaping the rewards of said routines, and growing confident with the fact that the gut’s guidance didn’t lead me astray, but instead brought forth a sense of self-regulation and self-respect I needed. And as this confidence grew, somehow the cores that other people acted upon (i.e a narcissist’s core is to individuate from everybody else because they have no identity, or an ignorant rich kid’s core is to get what they want because there’s nothing more important to them than their own comfort/security, etc) were shining through conversational tactics, and it became easier and easier for me to trust myself and subsequently associate with individuals who were spiritually in tandem with myself.

In summary, rather than learning what’s best for myself through extroverted practices, I already knew what was best for me and others, though I had to develop the experience and intellect to become confident in this intuition that merely existed as a formless blob in my youth. I am constantly working to make the core more and more obvious to my conscious self so that it is not led astray by manipulation or unsavory (but seemingly aesthetically similar) perspectives, and every action/thought/etc I perform is tied to what I definitely know is good for me.